2 Years of Fertility Treatments

So here we are almost 2 years to the day from our first attempt with fertility treatments. It's hard to fathom that we're still trying. I'm almost 39 now and its just downhill from here with treatments. Our choices now are continue with IUI or to try IVF. IVF for us however, for one attempt, would cost approximately $16,500 and no guarantees. I don't understand how people can afford to keep doing multiple tries at this. I want a baby, obviously since we've been going through this for so long, but the expenses are difficult at best.

But as we watch the news over the past two weeks, there has been a woman who has just had octuplets in southern California - at Kaiser. She has had 14 children now all together with fertility treatments - which to those who have not yet started fertility treatments is probably going to give women false hope that they too can have a child or multiple children, when in fact they just may not. They too may go through years of injections, ultrasounds, blood tests, and disappoint as I and many, many others have.

Our option - adopt a baby, at $40,000 USD or try through India, etc, but its not as cheap as its made out to be once you add in airfare, hotel and food expenses. I just do not think in this economy, that we're even going to be able to manage this. At best, my job is in a precarious state.

The IT industry is crashing all around us and NEC has announced last week that it will be laying off 20,000 people by March 2010. Supposedly most of it is with different NEC businesses than mine, however everyone seems to know that something is going to happen and its making morale go down even more than ever. Its harder not knowing and speculating if I'm going to be laid off or not. If I am laid off, then our medical insurance goes along with it, not to mention our house, our beautiful, beautiful house.

I am so stressed I am sure I'm causing my self an ulcer - most definitely I have heartburn almost every night now since Friday's announcement. However, if I'm laid off, there's not much I can do other than find a new job somewhere, likely San Francisco if I have to.

Pray that I keep my job and that all goes well.

Shots, shots and more shots

I'm tired of taking shots and having ultrasounds!

Surgery and hormones

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 - Timothy's 43rd birthday.

We had the DNC done on the 24th. I had to be in admitting by 630am, upstairs in outpatient surgery room right after. By 7:15am I was in the very busy pre-op staging area, with about 20 other people. They got my IV started, a million questions and Tim was able to come in at that point. We signed all our documents, the Dr Klooster came in at 730am and by 740am everything was signed and I was in the OR. Thank God for Versed - its a conscious sedation that worked well. I felt almost nothing, except towards the end, I did feel a pinching, which hurt. I remember the Dr saying that it was the speculum closing that I was feeling - and he said it was all done and the sample would be sent to the lab. I remember crying and the nurse actually wiping my tears and saying she understood that it was really emotional. I vaguely remember getting back onto the gurney myself, but I don't remember actually going back into my post-op space. I opened my eyes, Tim was standing next to, it was 755am. I also remember putting my right arm up so they could reattach the blood pressure cuff and then talking to the nurses.

They asked me to sit up after my third bp- and to go ahead and get dressed. They had brought me some ice chips because my throat was so dry. As I got up and got dressed, all of a sudden - woosh I felt the need to vomit. Fortunately nothing came up, was more just like a huge dry heave. Within 10 minutes, the male nurse was walking me out the door in a wheel chair and Tim had gone to get the Trailblazer. I was now 825am. Talk about fast. I vaguely remember getting home, and then we took a nap for like 3 hours.

I finally starting feeling better on Monday. Thursday and Friday I couldn't even wear normal clothes I was so tender and swollen. Monday I finally could get on a pair of jeans and feel ok. It has been just over a week and now my hormones are out of control. My face looks like its a sixteen year old's with a ton of pimples and I'm crying at all movies - - this is loads of fun. NOT!

How do you make sense out of it?

Imagine our elation when we found ourselves pregnant again, but only told a handful of people, for fear of that dreaded not past the first trimester risk. We were optimistic when two weeks ago our ultrasound showed the gestational sac. Last week, we saw the fetus, fetal pole and yolk sac, but no heartbeat - but doctor said to come back again this week because a week makes a huge difference. Today we went back and there has been no growth and no heart beat. We have lost a second pregnancy. Now I can wait to see if my body takes care of it naturally or have an out-patient surgical procedure to remove it and have it tested for chromosomal abnormalities. We're going for the later - since its been two in a row, we would like to know what's going on. So now I am waiting for the surgical scheduler to call - - so I know when this will take place.

The doctor said not to give up hope. The good news is, we can get pregnant - we just need to figure out why we can't carry the baby to term. I've told him I think I want to wait until after the holiday season to try again - give ourselves a break. He thought that was a good idea just told us not to wait too long. Said we could still try on our own with out the fertility drugs until we're ready to come back. Statistically - women get pregnant again within six months of a miscarriage and carry to term. I'm proof, because it only took two months for me. So we wait and see.

Our other options are to use a surrogate with our egg and sperm, but we're talking just as much as having IVF ourselves at $20,000 up front in cash - no payments. The other, is adoption, which can cost between $10k to $30k depending on the agency we use. I was just looking at a facilitators page and they charge $12,500 just to help match you with a birth parent.

All I can say is I'm frustrated, as is Tim. I don't know if I can go through this again - - maybe when I have a better outlook, I don't know.

Clomid, Round 2

I know its been a while since I've updated this, but we were trying to get passed having had a miscarriage and waiting for my period to start again. We were able to get pregnant in May, but unfortunately on the 4th of the July I suffered a miscarriage and spent the afternoon at the emergency room hoping that we were not miscarrying just having some spot bleeding, but that was not the case. My period started again on August 16th so I went back to the fertility clinic, had an ultrasound where they said everything looks good - though I think they might have noticed another fibroid as she 'marked' something off while having the ultrasound. We've decided that we'll give Clomid another chance for a few months since we were able to get pregnant with clomid the first time. If it doesn't happen in the next two months or so, we're going to give ourselves a break during the holiday season and try again after the first of the year and move on to taking the shots to increase our fertility chances. Until I have more news....

We used to do artificial insemination on the Farm

Meet Gene, my brother-in-law who grew up on a farm in Minnesota....the land of snow and cows.

The other night we were all at dinner talking about the fertility treatments and I mentioned that our next step would be to do artificial insemination if we're not pregnant this month. Gene says, oh yeah, we used to do that all the time with the cows back home on the farm....(hmm, me - cow - same procedure???) He says, "We used to get that long turkey baster like syringe and just shove it up there to give them a fighting chance of getting pregnant." He's telling us all how they clean the bull semen prior to the procedure, etc and I'm like, oh this is great! Now I'm having the same procedure as a cow. :(

All I can say is HOT Flashes....

Two more days of Clomid yet to do, and already the hot flashes have started up again....